Gottman has developed a pattern of conflicting behavior that signals distress in a relationship. He called this model the “4 Horsemen of revelation,” and he understands criticism, contempt, defense and stone walls. Critics complain about each other and blame each other. It also contains global statements about a person`s value or virtue, instead of the specific criticism ending on the subject. As criticism includes personal attacks, it stirs controversy and degenerates the negativity of the situation. Disdain is the expression of insults and attacks on the self-esteem of another. It includes name, sarcasm, mockery of the other person and non-verbal hostile behaviours, such as eye rolls or bumps. He says, “I`m better than you” and works to write and degrade the other person. The idea of the shooting is to recall past dysfunctions and bring them into the world all of a sudden, which is unproductive. Studies suggest that disregard behaviors can increase physical stress and affect health.
The defence says they consider themselves victims and deny responsibility for your behaviour. Instead of listening to a partner`s concerns and recognizing the need for change, people complain defensively, apologize and respond to complaints with complaints like, “Maybe I did this, but you did it.” Stonewalling is simply stopped and withdraws from the conversation or interaction. When stone walls are practiced, people stop looking at their partners, stop talking and stop reacting. Sometimes they even come out of the room to end the conversation. Gottman discovered that people tend to build zusteins when they no longer feel able to get involved in the conversation. Stonewalling prevents the couple from resolving their differences. However, it cannot be used if the conflict does not end. In these circumstances, the application of this strategy will create a “ticket” situation: there will always be a bad feeling, but no clarification of the air through discussion. He leads, in terms of transactional analysis, in “I don`t agree, you`re not OK.” This can result in serious charges for the parties involved. Focus on the present.
If you cling to the grudge due to past conflicts, your ability to see the reality of the current situation is compromised. Instead of looking to the past and blaming, focus on what you can do here and now to solve the problem. Meta-conflict occurs when you have conflicts over your conflicts. Stress disrupts the ability to resolve conflicts by limiting your ability: emotional awareness – awareness of your emotional experience moment at time – and the ability to manage all your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process capable of resolving conflicts.